Inconsiderate guests come in all ages, shapes and sizes. As you’ve done I’m sure, I too have seen my share of them over the last 70 years and decided to construct an ‘ Annoyance Index’. Just like how Prannoy Roy had constructed a misery index on NDTV, based on heat and humidity. The higher each was, the more miserable you were. I always wondered how that would work for cold and dryness. Zero degrees with zero humidity can be as miserable as 40 degrees with 80 per cent humidity.
My index is highest for fussy eaters. We entertained a family of four once — father, mother and two grown-up children — who stayed for four days and treated the kitchen like it was their own house. Two entirely different types of meals had to be prepared, three times a day. The girl, 16, was normal as was the boy, 20. The father, 52, however, thought he would die within hours if there was no egg, mutton, chicken or fish with each meal. The mother had a series of vrats, so some meals had no garlic and onion, while some only had fruits and milk — and so on. No meal was straightforward. This family is at the very top of my index, not least because my wife took out all her irritation on me whenever we were alone, even though these relatives were from her side of the family. Wives are like that only.
The second rank on my index goes to guests who think they are always alone and play their phones at maximum volume. Music, talk and even simple phone calls are at full or near full volume. We had a lady staying with us once who not only played her phone loudly but also kept up a running commentary on whatever she was listening to. I am very allergic to noise and nearly went mad whenever she was nearby.
The bronze medal goes to the way people eat. We have several relatives who, when they eat or drink, emit different sounds. The squelch of the rice, the chomp of the roti, the slurp of the rasam or dal, the crunch of the papad, and the loud sipping of some liquid, reduces conversation at the table to zero as others wait in a mixture of wonder and irritation for the next lot of sounds to emerge. The emitter, of course, is clueless as to what a spectacle he or she is making of herself.
The fourth place goes to those with a poor sense of bathroom etiquette. I will not go into the details but one deserves mention: the way people use the wash basin either while brushing their teeth — very loud gargling — and how they rinse their mouths after a meal. Both can be very disgusting. And, of course, leaving the bathroom wet. We have experienced this also.
There is also that rare person who simply takes over your house within an hour of arriving. I have a close relative who is like this. He has completely inverted the Spanish phrase mi casa, su casa (my house is your house). Fortunately he has visited only once which is why I have given him the fifth place.
Then there are the people who arrive with children. I have two cousins who refuse to discipline the apples of their eyes. These little thugs can, and do, run amok. One even threw the remote of my TV because he couldn’t switch the channel to cartoons. Luckily nothing broke.
Last, but not least, are the people who constantly interrupt others. I regret to say the ladies in my family are gold medallists in this. They frequently interrupt themselves and leave many sentences incomplete.